just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize