the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
