i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
