Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
