Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
