Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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