You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
