either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
