you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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