Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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