Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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