he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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