i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
