there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
