if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
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