I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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