yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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