Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
