Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
