If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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