You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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