Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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