I want to have your abortion
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
