im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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