The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
