I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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