This beer is not sobering me up at all
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
