Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
