I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
sarcasm needs its own font
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
