we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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