After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize