is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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