Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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