Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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