Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
