I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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