Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
