I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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