Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
