What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
