Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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