I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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