my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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