i don't like sucking hair
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
