scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
