Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
