We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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