Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
how drunk are you?
Several
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
