Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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