I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
