I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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