Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize