I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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