allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
