Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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