I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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