There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
