i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wear drunk well.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
