Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
