Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
