I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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